I am on facebook. I see my friends wasting their lives with this idiotic application called Farmville. It makes me sad.
Here is an example of the dumbass status updates from Farmville:
Tom found a lonely black sheep on his farm, help him find a home for her.
I know.
Here is my answer to Farmville: RUTVILLE. Where nothing goes right--but then again you never expected it to in the first place.
Here is an example of a status update from RUTVILLE:
Angie just shot herself. Will you attend her funeral mass??
OR
Angie has decided she's done dealing with stupid fucking family members and is now living alone on an island.
I get Mafia Wars. I understand the stupid quizzes. Please help friends give up Farmville. The time to act is now.
11.10.2009
11.06.2009
Mr Poopy Pants
*Editors Note: All of my children are completely and totally potty trained. What you are about to read is gross. There. You have all the info you need to continue reading.
Douchebag Neighbor: I think your boys got into a scuffle today after school.
The next thing I know I see Benjamin running to meet me at the door in his pajamas and Jake following behind him with his head down.
Uh oh.
Fuck.
Jake: Ben pooped his pants! He pooped his pants!
Fuck.
The boys then see my face and both begin laughing hysterically. How odd. If they only knew how close I was to losing my mind I wonder if they would have kept laughing. And then something odder happens. I start laughing. I mean my Benjamin, who just got straight As, would never shit his fucking pants, right? Must be a joke. Uh huh. Whatever you need to tell yourself bitch.
And then as I saw, no, smelled the horror that awaited me I thought wow someone might get hurt this evening.
So I walked into the house and the smell was a cross between nursing home and a dog park that had failed to pick up poop after 25 years of being open. I covered my mouth and screamed, What in the hell happened?? Knowing that no answer was going to be good enough to explain this hot mess.
What happened? Jake decided that it would be oh sooo funny to take his sweet time opening the door after school, knowing that his brother had suffered a long bus ride and needed to take a dump. Oh it would be so funny to tease his brother unmercifully with the key to the house and not open the door even if he begged. Ha. Ha. So Ben tackled him in the neighbor's yard and proceded to attempt to beat the crap out of him in order to gain access to the toilet.
And then what happened next is not really explainable. I have had some close calls in my life. Where I thought for sure I wasn't going to make it to the bathroom in time. So, I would expect my 9 year old son to have a small accident. So how he had shit everywhere is beyond me. I mean everywhere. It must have been three days worth. So after COMPLETELY EMPTYING HIS BOWELS he threw his underwear away and tried to "hide" the jeans in the dirty clothes. In trying to cover his mess he ended up getting it in the bathroom sink, on the wall, and obviously all over his clothes.
after it rained hell in my house for a while over the incident--which was more of a result of brother's bickering and being gross than it was a bathroom emergency--I realized that I can get quite creative with punishment. And what would be a good punishment for a 9 year old who COMPLETELY EMPTIES HIS BOWELS??
*he had to bring down his stuffed animals so i could dispose of them in a large garbage sack. after the animals were in my posession I told him that I would be cutting their heads off and running them through the shredder.
* he and his brother had to clean the jeans and the bathroom from top to bottom. I mean that bathroom shined like it did on the day we first moved in.
* no dessert for the rest of the week
*no video games and had to hand over the DS
* had to write a letter to the family explaining why he would never do that again and it had to include a sincere apology
*no TV whatsoever. at all
* no allowance
So, if I have ever gave parenting advice--which I do regularly--please disregard anything I have said because I obviously don't know shit. No pun intended.
( I didn't actually cut the heads off the stuffed animals or run them through the shredder )
Douchebag Neighbor: I think your boys got into a scuffle today after school.
The next thing I know I see Benjamin running to meet me at the door in his pajamas and Jake following behind him with his head down.
Uh oh.
Fuck.
Jake: Ben pooped his pants! He pooped his pants!
Fuck.
The boys then see my face and both begin laughing hysterically. How odd. If they only knew how close I was to losing my mind I wonder if they would have kept laughing. And then something odder happens. I start laughing. I mean my Benjamin, who just got straight As, would never shit his fucking pants, right? Must be a joke. Uh huh. Whatever you need to tell yourself bitch.
And then as I saw, no, smelled the horror that awaited me I thought wow someone might get hurt this evening.
So I walked into the house and the smell was a cross between nursing home and a dog park that had failed to pick up poop after 25 years of being open. I covered my mouth and screamed, What in the hell happened?? Knowing that no answer was going to be good enough to explain this hot mess.
What happened? Jake decided that it would be oh sooo funny to take his sweet time opening the door after school, knowing that his brother had suffered a long bus ride and needed to take a dump. Oh it would be so funny to tease his brother unmercifully with the key to the house and not open the door even if he begged. Ha. Ha. So Ben tackled him in the neighbor's yard and proceded to attempt to beat the crap out of him in order to gain access to the toilet.
And then what happened next is not really explainable. I have had some close calls in my life. Where I thought for sure I wasn't going to make it to the bathroom in time. So, I would expect my 9 year old son to have a small accident. So how he had shit everywhere is beyond me. I mean everywhere. It must have been three days worth. So after COMPLETELY EMPTYING HIS BOWELS he threw his underwear away and tried to "hide" the jeans in the dirty clothes. In trying to cover his mess he ended up getting it in the bathroom sink, on the wall, and obviously all over his clothes.
after it rained hell in my house for a while over the incident--which was more of a result of brother's bickering and being gross than it was a bathroom emergency--I realized that I can get quite creative with punishment. And what would be a good punishment for a 9 year old who COMPLETELY EMPTIES HIS BOWELS??
*he had to bring down his stuffed animals so i could dispose of them in a large garbage sack. after the animals were in my posession I told him that I would be cutting their heads off and running them through the shredder.
* he and his brother had to clean the jeans and the bathroom from top to bottom. I mean that bathroom shined like it did on the day we first moved in.
* no dessert for the rest of the week
*no video games and had to hand over the DS
* had to write a letter to the family explaining why he would never do that again and it had to include a sincere apology
*no TV whatsoever. at all
* no allowance
So, if I have ever gave parenting advice--which I do regularly--please disregard anything I have said because I obviously don't know shit. No pun intended.
( I didn't actually cut the heads off the stuffed animals or run them through the shredder )
11.05.2009
Free Panties*
What a free pair of panties from Victoria's Secret really means.
The back story:
Once upon a time I wore ridiculous lingerie. I wore lacy bras and thigh high stockings. I wore see through nightgowns. I bought scented bath gel and lotion. I even purchased some of their body spray. I tried them all. Oh how I wanted to be a Victoria's Secret angel. And then baby after baby after baby after...you get it.
So now the FREE PANTY cards come in the mail to taunt me. They say,
Here Angie you can have a free pair of panties without purchase. You can't fit one of your tits let alone two into one of our bras...but you can have a free pair of panties. FREE.
But here's what the card should say
Free Panties*
Oh sure come on in to our store. We have several specialists (22 year old snotty, hookerish, orange/fake tan bitches) who will be more than happy to help you. We will direct you (walk to the table in a huff because it's soooo annoying when people want what is promised to them) to where the free merchandise is (a janky pair of cotton panties in benign colors that is strategically located near the expensive/sexier panties as to embarrass you further).
No purchase required (when you check out at the register we will announce loudly "the free panties are all you could find today??") To which I loudly reply:
YES, YOU STUPID BITCH. THERE'S A RECESSION ON AND I STILL NEED UNDERWEAR.
:)
The back story:
Once upon a time I wore ridiculous lingerie. I wore lacy bras and thigh high stockings. I wore see through nightgowns. I bought scented bath gel and lotion. I even purchased some of their body spray. I tried them all. Oh how I wanted to be a Victoria's Secret angel. And then baby after baby after baby after...you get it.
So now the FREE PANTY cards come in the mail to taunt me. They say,
Here Angie you can have a free pair of panties without purchase. You can't fit one of your tits let alone two into one of our bras...but you can have a free pair of panties. FREE.
But here's what the card should say
Free Panties*
Oh sure come on in to our store. We have several specialists (22 year old snotty, hookerish, orange/fake tan bitches) who will be more than happy to help you. We will direct you (walk to the table in a huff because it's soooo annoying when people want what is promised to them) to where the free merchandise is (a janky pair of cotton panties in benign colors that is strategically located near the expensive/sexier panties as to embarrass you further).
No purchase required (when you check out at the register we will announce loudly "the free panties are all you could find today??") To which I loudly reply:
YES, YOU STUPID BITCH. THERE'S A RECESSION ON AND I STILL NEED UNDERWEAR.
:)
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